Your Hold is Permanent and Unbreakable
by onceuponanovember
Summary: After Edward left Bella she decided that she didn't want an existence without him. So she found a vampire willing to change her. 18 years later, how will the Cullens react when she stumbles across them again? Work in progress.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes/Disclaimer: I really need some reviews and critique on this story. I was frustrated with the whole beta process, so I decided to just post the story and hope that ya'll will tell me where I've messed it up. I didn't know what to call it either. So yeah. ANYWAY. The disclaimer part: My name is April, not Stephenie. So I obviously don't own Twilight. Don't sue.**

He had left me…bruised and broken and utterly alone in the dark, dank woods behind Charlie's house. I should have hated him for what he'd done. Any normal girl would have hated him…for a while anyway. Then that normal girl would have moved on with her life. I had never been a normal girl.

It was easier to remember here – or harder to forget – as I walked among the trees of the forest so similar to the one that he had abandoned me in. He didn't love me. But I had never stopped loving him. I had tried to be brave…once I had moved beyond being catatonic…but I dreaded going to bed at night where I would dream of him and wake up screaming. I dreaded each new day because it meant that I was one day older in a world where he remained frozen in his 17-year-old perfection. Jacob had helped for a time – he couldn't rid me of the pain, but he had worn down the sharp edges of that cavernous space in my chest to a dull, but constant, ache. And then Jacob abandoned me too, and I just couldn't handle it anymore. Every memory I had there was tainted; he…Edward…existed in every corner of that world. So I made a decision. Even if he didn't want me to be a part of his life, I didn't want any life – even an afterlife – where he didn't exist.

I hadn't left a note for Charlie, or said goodbye to any of my friends. The latter had probably never even noticed my absence – I had been so far gone to begin with. Charlie…well…he had probably been beside himself with worry, and I felt bad for not being able to provide him with any kind of closure – but it was infinitely more bearable than the alternative of trying to go through the motions of my average and ordinary life pretending that the extraordinary didn't exist.

So I had gotten on a plane to the only place in the world where I knew I could find the help that I needed.

Italy.

It had proved to be a prudent choice. I had only been in Italy for 2 days when I saw her. She wore a tight red vinyl top with long sleeves and a high neck. Her impossibly long legs were encased in dark tights which she wore under a very short mini-skirt. Her dark hair was the same shade of mahogany as my own and it shone in a way that mine definitely did not. I had spent enough time with vampires to know her immediately for what she was, despite the odd violet color of her eyes. Her gaze found mine, I felt my throat harden into a lump, and for a moment all I could do was stare.

I'd walked to her with my head held high in spite of my racing heart. I'd known what I wanted and wasn't one to let a little thing like _fear_ get in my way. I swallowed the lump in my throat and surprised myself with a very steady voice.

"I know what you are. I want what you have."

She had stared at me for a long while without speaking. I didn't lower my eyes from hers; I didn't dare even blink for fear that if I did, she'd be gone. Finally…just when I couldn't stand it any longer and thought I would have to blink or have my eyeballs turn to dust…she nodded.

I'd followed her – she seemed content with walking a human pace – through the streets of Volterra until I was positive that she had no idea where she was going. But eventually I discovered that my good fortune at having found a vampire so quickly was even better than I could have guessed; eventually she led me to Aro.

Aro, of course, had been delighted by me. Marcus and Caius, as well as _most_ of the Volturi guard welcomed me warmly as well. They were every bit as eager to have me changed as he…as _Edward_ had been to keep me human. I'd felt a twinge of guilt at that thought, but shoved it aside. He'd left me and therefore negated any right he had to influence my decisions. Besides, it still hurt too much to think about him. The pain of the transformation was hopeless. It was like the physical manifestation of a pain that was already too much for me to bear. The only scars that were left by the physical pain were granite skin and an un-beating heart. I wish I could say that being changed had healed the gaping hole that remained where his love for me had once resided, but even now I'm a terrible liar.

I stayed with the Volturi for nearly 15 years. Aro was like a father to me, Marcus and Caius like favorite uncles, perhaps, and the members of the guard were my friends. It had been hard to leave them, but like the teenager that I was, I wanted my independence. They had thrown me one hell of a going away party. I grinned at the memory. eidi had outdone herself fishing for the occasion. It had been the last time that I had tasted human blood. I think subconsciously I knew that it wasn't only my independence that I was seeking. I was tempting fate by giving myself the opportunity – albeit the chance was minute – to see them all again. I wasn't going to seek them out – they had all decided not to keep me – but if I stumbled across them, I wanted my eyes to be golden.

So after my sort of…graduation…party, I had gorged myself on animal blood until my irises had lightened from their deep, rich burgundy to a light burning butterscotch. For the last 3 years I had been living the life of a nomad, never content to stay in one place for very long, only because no place felt like home.

A sudden rustle in the leaves nearby brought me out of my reverie. I crouched low, prepared to strike. I wasn't thirsty, but I certainly wasn't going to pass up an easy meal if it so willing wandered across my path. The snarl that ripped through the silence brought me straight back to my feet in shock. It had been 18 years since I had heard that growl, but I would have known it anywhere.

I sensed the movement behind me before I heard the light footsteps. I didn't need to turn around to know who would be standing behind me. I raised my hands in a universal show of peacefulness before slowly turning around. Lowering my hands to my sides I stared into the eyes that were currently closer to black than they were amber.

My once-upon-a-time pixie of a best friend was staring back at me wearing a look of total shock.

"Alice."


	2. Chapter 2

**Inevitable Author's Note: Here it is - Chapter 2. I'm not above begging when it comes to praise and criticism. I want this to be a good story - so let me know what you think, PLEASE!! And of course, Twilight's not mine.  
**

Our staring contest was cut short then, as another snarl ripped through the tension as I found myself being tackled to the ground. It was fortunate that I had the ability to think just as quickly as I could move - of course she would not be out here alone, he rarely left her side – because it took every bit of my self control to override my Volturi training that was so thorough it was nearly a reflex. After a scuffle that lasted only seconds, I pinned him to the ground rather than separating his head from the rest of his body.

He had gotten a pretty good hit in first, so I had to set my broken jaw before I could speak.  
"You're going to have to learn to stop snapping at me, Jasper."

I had to giggle then at the shock that registered on his face, mimicking that of his wife only moments before. "Really," I continued, climbing off of him and offering my hand to help him up, "You'd think that in the nearly 2 decades since I last saw you, you'd have learned some self control." He moved slowly, his expression never changing, until he was standing next to Alice, who smiling brilliantly. It must have been difficult for Alice to contain her animation so well that only this small indication leaked into her composed façade. Alice may have been just a tiny little waif of a girl, but her motto was basically go big or go home; she didn't do _small_.

We must have stood there for a full minute, Alice and I smiling and Jasper looking confused as he tried to process the excitement radiating in the atmosphere around him and try to fit it together with the vampire that he saw standing across the clearing from him. I was just feeling the first prickle of impatience when he suddenly broke ranks, a wide grin on his face, and pulled me into a huge bear hug of an embrace. Alice squealed with the excitement that she could no longer contain and all but climbed up the two of us to join in on the reunion. I threw my arms around her with all the force I could muster.

_Alice, Jasper, Family…Home._ I was suddenly filled to the brim with emotion and it overflowed until I thought I would burst. "Oh, I missed you so much." They only hugged me tighter in response. All too soon we released each other and the assault of questions began.

"When?"  
"How?"  
"When?"

I held up my hands, laughing. "Whoa! Slow down. One question at a time!" They laughed too then.

"Let's start with 'When?' then," said Alice.

"About six months after you…" I trailed off, not wanting to say the word, afraid that it would destroy the high that we all seemed to be currently riding – or worse, break the spell and I'd find myself standing alone in the woods talking to a tree.

They nodded. "And how? Or who…?"

I took a deep breath, preparing to launch into a long story but only a single word came out, "Italy." The understanding registered on their faces and I realized that no further explanation was necessary. Italy, Volterra, and the Volturi – they were all well known in the vampire world. The connotation in that single word was enough to give them the whole story, even if it did leave something to be desired where the details were concerned.

"And you went…intentionally?"

"Yes," another deep breath, "up until about 3 years ago, I was a member of the illustrious Volturi." I tried to keep my tone light, really laying on the sarcasm with the word 'illustrious.' I left out the fact that I hadn't been a member of the guard, but rather the family. It's not that it was an unimportant detail – I just didn't want them to know that after they left, I'd sought out another vampire family. I didn't know how to explain to them that even though the Volturi was undoubtedly my family, they did not – and could never – replace the Cullens in my heart. So I kept my mouth shut on that detail.

We laughed and talked and played our way through the forest. It felt so good to hear about all the things that they had been doing. The vacations, the new life that they had tried to start in Missouri, only to have to leave a few years later when, in a rare twist, someone had correctly guessed what their beauty and oddity had truly meant. No sooner than the student had realized his suspicions, they had packed up and abandoned their new home. They never gave him the opportunity to develop the idea in his own mind, let alone voice his concerns. They had all decided to lay low for a while after that – stay underground and away from prying eyes and curious minds, which is how they came to be here, having this conversation with me.

I told them about some of my life with the Volturi, and about how a certain redhead had come to call about 2 years after I had been changed. They gasped when I mentioned Victoria, but I only grinned. "No really it's okay," I said. "It was a pretty stupid move on her part really, to come after me there. She was pretty much dead as soon as she set foot in Italy." I smiled then but Alice looked skeptical. "Seriously, Alice. It was fine. I had most of the guard standing behind me watching. Besides, I'm very well trained – did you not see me pin your husband back there?"

"Speaking of which," he said shifting slightly, "I demand a rematch." He lunged at me then and I shrieked playfully. Alice just danced along behind us. We were all laughing as we tumbled into a clearing. I froze and Jasper took advantage of the situation to pin me. I barely noticed. I was staring at the huge white house that was so very reminiscent of another that I had once ached to call home.

There on the front porch, only his eyes moving as he watched our childish antics, was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. Here was my heart – my soul – my reason for existence. _Edward._

Suddenly the hole in chest was wide open and bleeding with despair like an infection that just refused to heal. I couldn't bear to meet his eyes; I was afraid of what I might find lurking there when I did. He would be angry with me – I had just skipped back into his world, and surely he had been sure, and comfortable, in the belief that he was rid of me forever. I scrambled to my feet and, ignoring Alice's protesting cries of "Bella, wait!" I turned on my heel and ran back into the forest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I'm not thrilled with this chapter, but here it is anyway. Read & Review & Stephenie, Please don't sue. (Okay that was a corny rhyme. I'm sorry.)**

As I ran, I wondered how his speed would compare to my own. I was not the fastest vampire I knew, but I was far from being the slowest. I had been pleasantly surprised when I had discovered that the clumsiness of my human life had no bearing on my grace or speed as an immortal. In my human life, Edward had been the fastest vampire I knew, but I'd had limited knowledge then, and there was really no basis for comparison between the 2 lives. Part of my mind registered the fact that I was worried that he would catch up to me and I almost laughed. It wouldn't matter if he was faster than I was because he wouldn't be following me. He was probably still standing on his porch, breathing a sigh of relief that I hadn't stayed for a confrontation.

As this wave of knowledge washed through me, my steps slowed slightly. I came to a complete halt when I heard Alice call out to me again. "Bella, please wait!" Stopping had been a mistake though. I had spent half of my existence running as hard and as fast as I could in order to escape the ache. As long as I had been running I'd been able to contain my composure. I'd had something else to concentrate on and had forgotten about the festering wound in the very core of my being. I slumped against a tree and began to cry – great tearless sobs that shook my entire body. I felt the strong arms come around me and pull me in, holding me upright until I had cried myself out. She never said a word – just held me until I pulled away. Then she took my hand in hers and started to lead me back the way we'd just come. I stopped and tried to pull my hand away.

"Alice, I can't…I just can't face him."

Alice didn't let go of my hand. "He took off running about a half a second after you did - in the opposite direction. Now come on. I'm sure everyone will be delighted to see you!" She gave my arm a good yank and started walking again. I followed reluctantly after her and Jasper met us just before we reached the clearing where the house sat. He took my other hand and we walked into the clearing at the same time that Carlisle and Esme emerged from the trees on the opposite side.

I wanted so much to be dignified and aloof. I tried to remind myself that Edward wasn't the only one who had left – he wasn't the only one who had hurt me. It was useless of course. Faster than the proverbial blink of an eye I was across the clearing and into Esme's open arms. I realized that she was crying as she latched her arms tightly around me. I pulled away only when Carlisle rested his hand on my shoulder. I turned to him then and he hugged me tightly. I felt a bit like the prodigal…daughter. Except that I wasn't the one who had left.

I wasn't aware that anyone else had joined us until another pair of strong hands tugged me away and into equally strong arms. I looked up into the cheesiest grinning face I'd ever seen. I could almost see the wheels turning in his head. Emmett was every bit the trouble-making big brother of the family. He wasn't thinking about what my return to the Cullens as a vampire meant beyond how long was an appropriate waiting period before he started cracking jokes and pulling pranks. I hugged him back fiercely and turned to look at his wife.

Rosalie was every bit as beautiful as I remembered, but the look on her face was a far cry from the open disdain in my memories. She looked genuinely pleased to see me. As soon as Emmett turned me loose she was pulling me into her own arms. "I never thought I'd admit it, but I have missed you." And then I was hugging her back. We had never been close, but she was every bit my sister. _Family_.

"I believe we have some catching up to do," said Carlisle, "Shall we move this little reunion into the house?" Without waiting for an answer, he started up the front stairs and disappeared through the front door.

..:*~*:..

We had all moved in to the Cullens' living room and were lounging on their various pieces of soft, overstuffed furniture. I had been terribly vague with Alice and Jasper about what had happened to me after they left, and I had a feeling that it wouldn't be so easy with the rest of them here. That was okay though. I could handle this – as long as _he_ stayed away. I couldn't bring myself to even think his name right now. My control on my emotions was tentative at best, even with Jasper's help.

"So, Bella," Carlisle began.

"You want to hear the story." It wasn't a question. They all nodded affirmatively. I took a deep breath. "After you…after he…" I felt a wave of calm wash over me and shot Jasper a grateful look before continuing, "After you left, my world just fell to pieces. I didn't know who I was anymore. I barely ate; I couldn't sleep but for the nightmares…It was as if all the love and happiness in the world had gone with you. I thought I was losing my mind."

Over the next hour, my tale poured out of me. I didn't hesitate. I didn't edit. It just flowed out of me like water. "The Volturi took me in –Aro, Marcus, Caius…even Athenodora and Sulpicia. Aro was every bit my father that Charlie was...that you were, Carlisle. I was a member of the Volturi, yes, but I was not a member of the guard. They're like my family." There – my secret was out. "I don't tell you this to hurt you – but I don't want to keep secrets from you. After you left – I felt like I didn't belong anywhere anymore. I basically died that day in the forest. I couldn't belong with you when I didn't even know where to find you. It got to the point where I wasn't sure that I hadn't just dreamed the whole thing. I never felt like I belonged anywhere else though. The Volturi gave me a place to belong; they made me theirs."

I stopped then and looked around the room at the anguish that my story had caused them all. It hurt me to know that my story hurt them.

"Bella, we had no idea."

"I'm so sorry…"

"We should have fought for you."

I stared into Rosalie's eyes. I couldn't believe that the last line had come from her lips. I smiled. "No, Rosalie…It wasn't your job to fight for me. I couldn't even fight for myself. You couldn't have made him love me anymore than I seemed to have been able to."

"Bella…" this time the voice was behind me and I froze; I hadn't heard him come in.  
"I never stopped loving you."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Sorry this took so long. As I'm sure you'll notice, it's the longest chapter yet. I decided that we really needed to hear some of this from Edward's point of view and for that I needed some help. I owe a tremendous amount of thanks to my Beta: Eowyn77. She's a fabulous writer...go check out some of her stuff because it's amazing....and really helped me get into Edward's head. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. But imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  
**

Chapter 4

EPOV:

I was sitting at my piano, not playing, merely staring at the keys. My hands no longer floated over the keys to produce the graceful melodies that I had once loved. Now there was only one melody – her lullaby – in my head and it was just too painful. The house was nearly empty. Rosalie and Emmett were around somewhere, but their thoughts were only muted undertones and not overly coherent – a fact for which I was currently thankful. Carlisle and Esme were somewhere nearby, taking some time to be alone with each other and Alice and Jasper had gone hunting and would probably be gone for a few days. I was starting to regret declining their invitation to join them. _I really need a distraction._

Not that there was any distraction to be found. One of the many lies that I had told her…I hadn't even tried to distract myself at first, my heart had just curled in on itself and the weight of my grief threatened to crush me. It was only my immense love for her that kept me away, but it was still an impossible chore to fight the pull she had on my heart. It was like fighting gravity. Eventually though, it became too much to bear. I returned to Forks, telling myself that it was only to check and make sure that she was safe and that I wouldn't reveal myself to her. As it turned out, I hadn't even had the option of changing my mind about that, because she was gone. My grief at not being able to see her had been tainted by relief. _She had moved on._ It's what I'd meant for her. My relief was short lived, however, as I caught the scent. Nearly 2 years since the first time we had met, but I would recognize that scent anywhere. My first attempt at distraction was Victoria.

Victoria fled and I turned out to be a miserable tracker, losing her somewhere around Texas. I'd spent several years after that in a desperate, but futile attempt to locate her again. Finally I was forced to admit that I had failed monumentally in my task to keep Bella safe. I didn't even know where to look for her to try and protect her. I'd gone home then, not admitting defeat exactly, but rather claiming that I was doing it to appease Esme. I knew she already felt as though she'd lost a daughter and I didn't want to take her son from her again as well. So I feigned normalcy for the sake of my family, going through the motions but never feeling like anything more than an empty shell. She had taken my heart with her and I didn't have any idea where to get it back.

_They are all going to be so surprised! _I could hear them then, my brother and sister, drawing me away from my torturous line of thinking. They hadn't been gone long, so I couldn't understand what could possibly have led them home so early. My confusion ebbed and my interest piqued as they came closer and their thoughts became clearer. There was someone with them and they were quite excited about whoever it was. I rose quickly and moved to the porch just in time to see them tumble into the clearing.

She was beautiful, and exuded gracefulness even as she lay pinned and completely unmoving beneath Jasper. Her golden eyes were on me, but her face was blank and she was completely unreadable. I couldn't hear her mind.

Bella.

Her expression shifted minutely and the impassiveness was gone. I could see the Bella I had known staring back at me then and I couldn't make my mind form a coherent thought as my heart leapt into my throat and attempted to choke me; I could see the Bella I had left that day in the woods because every bit of that pain was reflected in her eyes. The sudden urge to run to her and sweep her into my arms and never let her go was nearly overwhelming but I held myself in check. This was not the same girl that I'd ached over for the last 18 years. This Bella would not blush under my gaze and her heart wouldn't flutter at my touch; in all reality, judging by the look on her face, this Bella would probably tear my arm off in a fit of rage if I tried to touch her.

My head was spinning, my heart overflowing, and I fought desperately against the yearning to reach out to her. I couldn't move because if I moved even a fraction of an inch, my resolve would crumble. Her façade crumbled entirely then and seeing the pain in her eyes made me want nothing more than to comfort her. I desperately searched my head, trying to remember how to speak, but it was too late – she'd turned and ran.

Only then did I find my feet as I moved to follow after her. Alice snarled and took off after her as Jasper moved to block my path. I crashed into him in a desperate attempt to follow them, but instantly felt the calming effect of his empathic abilities.

_Edward, just let her go. Don't force it._ I nodded my head dumbly. I needed to run, to clear my head. So, for the second time in my life, I purposefully put distance between Bella and myself.

What. Had. I. Done?

I'd wanted nothing more in the world than for her to be safe. I'd caused my entire family unspeakable suffering by taking them away from her so that she could have a normal, happy, healthy life. The life she deserved. A pure and innocent life. In trying to save her soul, I'd left her vulnerable. I'd damned her – condemned her to eternity in my own personal hell.

No wonder she'd run from me. She'd be crazy not to hate me for what I'd done to her. I could see it now how utterly wrong I had been. I'd left in order to keep her safe, but obviously it had not had that effect on her at all. Not that I should be entirely surprised by that fact – Bella was a danger magnet and hadn't I told her once myself that sometimes I wasn't the most dangerous thing in the forest? I'd thought I had everything figured out. My mind was reeling. And I felt like I was thinking in circles. This was my worst fear come back to haunt me. Bella needed protection, I was right about that much; what I hadn't considered was that _I _was her protector. I hadn't been there to save her from this damned existence. This was entirely my fault.

I was so busy chastising myself for my idiocy that I was actually surprised when I stumbled across Carlisle and Esme having a "picnic." It was an almost laughable scene really: Esme sitting on the forest floor petting a rabbit. They looked up at the sound of my approach.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to play with your food?" I couldn't help but tease my adoptive mother. She laughed, but was not fooled by my light-hearted comment. _What's wrong, son?_ Carlisle's thoughts had a similar tone to them.

I just shook my head. "You'll want to go home. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised_._" I gave them both the most reassuring smile that I could muster, waving them off when they tried to press me for more information. "I think it will be pretty self-explanatory when you get there." I was almost as relieved as the rabbit that they'd left then, alone with only my self-loathing for company. It wasn't the blessing that I'd hoped it would be. In the absence of my family, I could feel myself coming undone; it had been easier to deal with everyone else's thoughts than my own.

My fury with myself was interlaced with an unbearable guilt. I'd always thought I was a monster. Now I just had proof. I may not have bitten Bella, but my actions had killed her. I didn't know the circumstances behind her change, but it didn't matter. The change wouldn't have happened; her soul would still be intact…she would still love me.

I couldn't stand it…it was selfish of me maybe…probably…definitely…but I was already walking back in the direction of the house. I'd only get close enough to _hear_ them. It would be a comfort to even see her in their thoughts, and even that was more than I deserved.

I stopped when I reached the edge of the clearing. She was talking – telling them her story.

"After you left – I felt like I didn't belong anywhere anymore. I basically died that day in the forest. I couldn't belong with you when I didn't even know where to find you. It got to the point where I wasn't sure that I hadn't just dreamed the whole thing. I never felt like I belonged anywhere else though. The Volturi gave me a place to belong; they made me theirs."

I must have missed quite a bit of the story, because this wasn't making any sense. Bella was a member of the Volturi? My teeth clenched and my breath hissed between them. Just how thoroughly had I corrupted her soul? Not only had my negligence brought about the very fate that I had been trying to avoid, but I'd left her at the mercy of the very worst of our kind. I couldn't just damn her and be done with it; I'd had to make sure that no part of her, heart, mind, and soul, had gone undamaged.

"Bella, we had no idea."

"I'm so sorry…"

"We should have fought for you."

I was surprised at Rosalie's statement. Rosalie had never really been very kind to Bella, but I could see now that it wasn't out of spite. She would have given anything to be human and was personally offended by Bella's blatant desire to throw that humanity away. But she had seen how miserable I was without Bella and it had pained her. And she saw now that Bella's pain at losing me had matched my own. _Edward, if you can hear me – you're an ass._ So much for her pitying _me._

"No, Rosalie…It wasn't your job to fight for me. I couldn't even fight for myself. You couldn't have made him love me anymore than I seemed to have been able to."

I couldn't stop myself then. She blamed herself for my idiocy and I just couldn't let her believe the lie anymore. I flew into the house and hesitated briefly in the doorway. "Bella…" I saw her stiffen at the sound of my voice. _She really believed I didn't love her – that I didn't want her. _ I stepped into the room and walked forward until I was only a few feet from her. I could smell her. She still smelled the same – like freesias – less the scent of human blood that had once been nearly overpowering. "I never stopped loving you."

It was all so clear now. Bella never did what I expected. I hadn't expected her to believe the lie, but she had and it had all but destroyed us both. I'd expected her to move on with her life, which admittedly she had done but definitely _not_ in the sense that I had intended. I'd lied to her, committing the worst kind of blasphemy possible! I'd left to protect her, but how do you protect someone so determined to be unprotected?! My fingers curled tightly it my palms, my rage threatening to overtake me and was increased ten-fold because I had nowhere to direct it except myself.

She had _sought out_ the Volturi to be changed…because of me.

She stood and whirled to face me in one fluid movement. The fury on her beautiful face was evident and I suspected that if they could have, her eyes would have been brimming with tears. I couldn't help but remembering a time when her anger reminded me of a kitten. Bella was every bit the tiger that she had once pretended to be.

"Then why did you leave me?" The venom in her voice stung nearly as much as if she had bitten me.

**End Note: I'll update again as soon as possible, but I have just so much going on right now. Please bear with me! And Review! Feedback makes the creativity flow!!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I am terribly ashamed of myself for not updating before this. But this chapter is rough and probably not even worth waiting for anyway. I have the whole story mapped out in my head – but the words feel forced and unnatural to me. But here it is anyway. **

**Disclaimer: SM owns all. **

Chapter 5:

BPOV

I stood up and whirled around to face him. The sight that met my eyes was frightening. I'd seen Edward's anger before, but never had it been directed at me before. His eyes were pitch black and his hands were balled tightly into fists. The full smoldering force of his eyes was turned on me in a fierce and angry glare. But my own hurt and anger ran too deep to be deterred by the brief distraction that his appearance had caused; I didn't miss a beat.

"Then why did you leave me?" Surely he had heard my story; he must know what he had done to me. He had all but destroyed me and then walked away, not caring if there was anyone around to pick up the pieces. And now he had the _nerve_ to tell me that he still loved me?

"I left _because_ I love you." He said it so matter-of-factly, like it was so obvious.

I actually snorted. _He didn't really expect me to swallow that, did he? _ "What game are you playing, Edward? If you really expect me to believe that you love me after…after…" I could feel the words catch in my throat, choking me. I closed my eyes, fighting for composure. I took several deep breaths – I needed to get myself under control. I opened my eyes and he was less than a foot away. I staggered back, shocked by his closeness. "You left." I finished pointedly.

"We've already determined that, Bella." He sounded amused but the fire hadn't left his eyes and his hands were still clenched. "I only wanted to protect you. It was so dangerous for you to be with me. As I'm sure you're fully aware at this point, there are certain dangers to this life that I just couldn't bear to have you exposed to. If anything had ever happened to you, I could never have forgiven myself. I wanted…want…what's best for you."

He hadn't even finished his sentence when my hand shot out, so quickly it was nothing but a blur, and smacked him across the face. "And who were you to make that decision for me Edward? You didn't even give me a _choice_." The last word came out in a strangled hiss. "You never made an attempt to explain. You made a choice that involved me and didn't even care what I thought, or how I felt. It wasn't to protect me, Edward. It was to protect _you_. I wasn't afraid – you were. So don't tell me that it was in _my_ best interests."

I slumped back on the couch and buried my face in my hands. I wished for sleep – a blissful escape from the sudden onslaught of pain and loss of pride that this confrontation had cost me. I ground my teeth together in concentration. _I could not cry. I would not cry._ I could feel the peaceful calm settling over me and fought against it, shaking my head back and forth. I wanted to fight this on my own. Jasper must have gotten the message because the calm lifted. I was surprised to find that all that remained was the hurt. _No, no, no. I need to be angry. I can't do this if I'm not angry._ I desperately sifted through my memories, trying to reclaim my righteous indignation, but found that it truly was gone and all that was left was the same aching and empty hole in my heart.

A strangled sob caught in my throat. He was there then, his arms around me, pulling me up against him. I couldn't even fathom what he must think of me right now. I clutched myself tightly against his chest and let the sobs overtake me. I don't know how long we stood like that, but I found myself becoming more and more aware of him. It started with his breathing. And then the gentle stroke of his hand over my hair. Eventually I realized that I was pressed tightly against every line of his body and was clinging to him with all my might.

I stepped back suddenly. I'm sure I would have blushed violently, had I been able. I glanced around and realized that the rest of the Cullens had all discretely retreated. With nowhere else to look, I forced myself to meet his eyes. They burned intensely, but it wasn't with anger. It was something else, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Tell me what happened, Bella." His voice was pleading and sorrowful without a hint of the irritation that it had held before.

"I'm sure that your family has already told you the whole story," I sighed. There were no secrets in a family such as his.

"Yes, but I want to hear it from you. No editing."

I opened my mouth to speak, and then closed it again. I didn't want to do this. "No Edward. I'm tired of being all anguished and broken. You left. It hurt. I went to Italy and found a new family. One that lets me make my own choices. There's nothing more to tell."

"Why?" He didn't elaborate. He didn't need to. I knew what he was asking.

"I refused to live a life where you didn't at least exist. The hurt was tolerable – mostly – as long as I knew that you were out there, somewhere, living…existing. The idea of a world…being somewhere…where you didn't exist. It just hurt more than words can say. It was unbearable. It was like the entire weight of the world crushing down on top of me and I just couldn't…I'm sure heaven is beautiful, Edward, but I wasn't going to die and move on to a place where you weren't." I had undoubtedly stumbled all over myself trying to explain it to him. I hoped that I was making at least some kind of sense.

I stared at him, begging him to understand what I was trying to tell him.

"So it was because of me. I damned you anyway."

_Okay I guess he missed the point._ "No Edward. You didn't damn me. _I_ made my own choice. You tried to take that choice out of my hands, but it wasn't ever yours to make. A world without you would have been damnation. Heaven, no matter how beautiful, would have been my own personal hell. Besides, I refuse to believe that you don't have a soul. I can see it every time I look into your eyes."

He tried to look away, but I caught his face between my hands and stared deeply into his amber eyes. "No, Edward. Don't hide from me. You don't have to agree with me – but I know you have a soul. As does the rest of your family. As do I. I didn't give my soul up in trade to spend an eternity in a world where you exist. I gave up my mortality. The two are not synonymous. Look it up."

He just stared at me blankly and I could tell that I wasn't getting through. "Fine, Edward. Even supposing you were right – what do I need a soul for anyway? I'm never going to die." A loud guffaw of a laugh echoed through the house and I couldn't help but smile at the ceiling. It felt good to know that I had Emmett's approval. I looked back to Edward who was staring fixedly at his shoes, but I could see the hint of a smile on his face.

"Can't we just agree to disagree?" After a long moment he met my eyes and nodded.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry I slapped you."

"It wasn't nothing I didn't deserve, Bella."

"Deserved or not, I'm sorry."

"Me too."

I nodded, not needing further explanation. Edward was undoubtedly still punishing himself far more than I ever could. I bit my lip, taking him in fully for the first time since before he'd left me. He was every bit as devastatingly handsome and ethereal as I remembered through my foggy human memories. As my gaze wandered back to his face, his eyes, his mouth, I realized that we had drifted dangerously close together. Our bodies were merely inches apart and I could almost imagine that I could feel the heat coming from him – had there actually been any.

He reached out tentatively and brushed his hand along my cheekbone before cupping my face in his palm. Then ever so slowly he leaned in towards me…inch by too slow inch…as though he were afraid I would bolt at any moment. His lips brushed mine once...twice...three times with excruciating softness. I sighed and slipped my arms around his neck, moving to deepen the kiss.

"Bella I can't wait to take you shopping!" Alice shouted as she ran down the stairs.

I pulled away from Edward, but didn't break eye contact.

"Three things Alice. One. You have terrible timing. Two. I can hear just as well as you can so you really don't have to shout. And three. Now that I have inhuman strength and can stop you there is no way that I am letting you drag me on a shopping trip to anywhere," I laughed and tore my gaze from Edward to wink at Alice.

"That's what YOU think." She giggled.


End file.
